This post is all about theĀ root cause of perfectionismĀ and why itās crucial for us Christian women to understand how our past influences our behavior.
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Have you ever wondered what the root cause of perfectionism is?
Like, why you just canāt help yourself ā everything you do needs to be just rightā¦
You neatly fold laundry in the same pattern and color-code your closetā¦
You organize groceries with all of the labels facing the same wayā¦Ā
(Or is it just me š³?)
If youāre anything like me, youāve been a perfectionist ever since you can rememberā¦
Itās like our āminds are programmedā to strive for perfection.
Can I be honest with you?
Itās exhaustingā¦
And because being a perfectionist is exhausting, Iāve been flirting with the idea that ādone is better than perfect.ā
So, today, weāre gonna take a deep dive into theĀ root cause of perfectionism ā why does perfectionism develop ā what triggers perfectionism ā and what is the perfectionist personality?
The Root Cause of Perfectionism
Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try, youāre never quite good enough?
As a Christian, you know that in Christ, youāre enough.
But stillā¦
You scroll through your curatedĀ social mediaĀ feeds, and although you know that what you see areĀ unrealistic expectations,Ā negative emotionsĀ surface and you feelĀ constant pressureĀ to be more ā to do betterā¦Ā
This makes it easy to fall into the trap of perfectionism.
But what if I told you that this striving for this unattainable ideal might be rooted in deeper emotional struggles?
Letās take a look at what perfectionism isā¦
What is Perfectionism?
According to theĀ American Psychological Association, perfectionism is the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance in excess of what is required by the situation. It is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.
Itās aĀ personality traitĀ that pushes you to achieveĀ unrelenting high standardsĀ ā often at the cost of your well-being.
Striving for excellence can lead to great achievementsā¦
Butā¦
The negative side of perfectionism shows up when the standards set are too high and impossible to reach. This can trigger a cycle of negative self-talk and low self-esteem, especially if youāre tying your worth to your accomplishments.
Perfectionist Personality
A perfectionist personality is more than just trying to be flawlessā¦
Itās a deep-rooted habit that can affect almost every part of yourĀ daily life. People with this type of personality set extremely high standards for everything they do ā from work to personal relationships. This constant drive for perfection often leads to self-criticism and stress.
A key feature of a perfectionist personality is how deeply it impacts their life.
For them, being perfect is essential for their self-worth and happiness. This pressure can cause them to procrastinate, avoid new experiences because of theĀ fear of failure, and feel overwhelmed.
Over time, these issues can turn into seriousĀ mental health issuesĀ likeĀ anxiety disorders, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorders.
People with a perfectionist personality also have aĀ hard timeĀ with constructive criticism and being vulnerable, often seeing feedback as personal attacks. Their strict expectations can hurt their relationships, causing conflicts and misunderstandings.
To manage a perfectionist personality, itās important to recognize and address the deep insecurities and fears driving these behaviors. Treatments likeĀ gospel-centered cognitive behavioral therapyĀ (CBT) can help by changing irrational beliefs and promoting healthier habits ā which create a more balanced outlook on perfection.
7 Ways A Perfectionist Personality Might Show Up
- At Work: You often stay late to ensure your project is beyond perfect, even when itās already good to go.
- In School: You stress over keeping a perfect GPA and study much more than your classmates.
- Socially: You rehearse what to say before hanging out with friends and worry about what you said after you get home.
- Hobbies: Sometimes you start a fun project and then abandon it because it isnāt turning out just right.
- Your Looks: You spend a lot of time on your appearance and getting your outfit just right. You might even avoid going out if you donāt feel perfect.
- Health and Fitness: You stick to a strict diet or exercise plan and feel really bad if you deviate even slightly.
- At Home: Your place is always spotless, with everything in its exact place, and you feel stressed if things are out of order.
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Perfectionist Tendencies
I honestly thought being ādetail-orientedā (a.k.a. an extreme perfectionist) was a sign that I cared. I even thought that being a perfectionist made me better than others š«¤.
Perfectionist tendenciesĀ isā¦
- re-doing a task several times to make it just rightā¦
- hesitating to start something new unless youāre sure you can do it perfectlyā¦
Perfectionistic behaviorsĀ arenāt just about having high standards ā itās about a deep-rootedĀ fear of failure, often because you seekĀ external validation.Ā
No judgment here! Trust me, youāre not alone in this.
And the great news is that the first step to overcoming perfectionism is recognizing these tendencies.
10 Perfectionistic Tendencies
- Double-Checking Everything: You check your work multiple times to make sure itās flawless.
- Hesitant to Let Go: You worry others wonāt meet your high standards.
- Procrastinating: You hesitate to start projects, fearing they wonāt be perfect.
- Fixation on Flaws: You often focus on minor flaws in your work or appearance.
- Indecisive: You struggle with the fear of making the wrong choice.
- Setting Unrealistic Goals: You set nearly impossible standards for yourself.
- Rarely Satisfied: You rarely feel proud of your achievements, always seeing room for improvement.
- Excessive List-Making: You make detailed lists for everything, planning every day thoroughly.
- Avoiding New Opportunities: You avoid new activities for fear of not excelling right away.
- Needing Constant Reassurance: You need others to confirm your choices are correct.
The Three Types of Perfectionism
- Self-Oriented PerfectionismĀ is all about setting really high standards for yourself. Itās common amongĀ high achieversāĀ strong desireĀ to excel in their efforts. But when you pairĀ unattainableĀ goalsĀ withĀ negative self-talk, it can really backfire.
- Other-Oriented PerfectionismĀ is when you expect everyone else to meet your high standards. It can strain your relationships and create a negative environment. Itās often a response based onĀ social anxietyĀ or your pastĀ traumatic life experiences.Ā
- Socially Prescribed PerfectionismĀ is when you feel like everyone expects you to be perfect. Itās really tricky because it depends a lot on what you think others think of you and theĀ fear of judgment. Which can promote aĀ perfectionist mindsetĀ that can worsen issues like body shaming andĀ mental health disorders.
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What Is theĀ Root Cause of Perfectionism?
TheĀ root cause of perfectionismĀ can be pretty complex, and itās often connected to your experiences ā especially during your earlyĀ formative years.Ā
Sadly, the root causes of your perfectionism may stem from believing your worth comes from what you achieveā¦
If you grew up being loved and praised depending on how well you did things ā this mightāve unintentionally made you feel like your worth is based on being perfect ā not on who you are.
- Your parents rewarded you only when you got good grades or were the best in music class.
- Parents, close relatives, boyfriends, husbands, friends, and even church family were overly critical or hurt your pride.
- People made you feel like youāre not good enough.
- You grew up in an environment where things were black or white.
- Traumatic experiencesĀ that made you feel the need to be in control.
- YourĀ first experience of shame: body shame, intellectual shame, emotional shameā¦
The existential feeling that you need to meet othersāĀ high expectationsĀ allštheštime can be theĀ root cause of your perfectionism. It can really shape how you see yourself and be the driving force behind how you handle everything ā from daily tasks to your personal goals.
And sadly, it might lead you to believe the tragic lie that being perfect is the only way to be accepted and loved.
Remember thisā¦
Itās okay to not be perfect in everything. Talking to someone about how you feel can really help, like a counselor or a trusted person in your church community. They can help you see that youāre good enough just as you are.
Signs of Perfectionism
- Chronic Self-Doubt and Dissatisfaction: Despite achievements, you may never feel good enough, often because of the negative impact of persistent self-criticism and comparison to unrealistic standards.
- Procrastination or Avoidance: Fear of failing to meet high standards can lead you to delay or avoid starting tasks. This is a common coping mechanism among perfectionists ā especially those dealing with past traumas or adverse childhood experiences.
- Overwhelming Stress and Anxiety: High stressĀ levelsĀ andĀ symptoms of anxietyĀ are common. TheĀ pursuit of perfectionĀ often comes withĀ constant pressureĀ and stressfulĀ negative thoughts, pushingĀ your emotional safetyĀ to the edge.
- Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies: The need for order and control can manifest inĀ obsessive thinkingĀ or behaviors, which may be a sign of an underlying anxiety disorder orĀ obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
These are just a few of mine: āmy budget spreadsheet is arranged by the due date, it takes me 3 hours to do my nails, and the faces of the presidents on the dollar bills in my wallet are all facing forward and arranged from smallest to highest. I feel at peace when my environment is clean, neat, and meticulously organized.
I believe the cause of my perfectionism is connected to my childhood. I truly love my parents and I know they did the absolute best they could to raise me. But as a child, I spent a lot of time alone, and sometimes bad things can happen to an unattended child. Back then, the only thing I felt I could control was my own space ā like my bedroom. This need to control my environment has carried over into my desire to control outcomes in my life now.
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What Triggers a Perfectionist?
Simple every day situations can trigger this deep-rooted perfectionism. It can be SO manyĀ different thingsĀ ā it really depends on your uniqueĀ root cause of perfectionism.
Maybe itās whenā¦
- youāre asked to lead a project at work
- starting a new job
- presenting at a team meeting
- receiving feedback from colleagues or church leadership
- your academic performance isnāt where youād like it to be
- participating in social settings
- when youāre planning a friendās birthday party
- hosting a dinner party
ā¦suddenly, the pressure peaks ā and so does the anxiety.Ā
You feel like everything has to be perfect, or youāll let everyone down.
The triggers can come from anyĀ area of lifeĀ and can disrupt all aspects of your life.
Is There Hope to Overcome Perfectionism?
The good news isā¦
YES. ABSOLUTELY. 100% THEREāS HOPE!
You have access to the throne of grace my beautiful friend ā and God is able to help you get through theĀ stressful thoughts, the pressure to perform, and the overwhelming and exhausting need to be perfect.
Next Steps
The first and most important step is to believe and understand that your worth is not defined by your accomplishments but by Whose you are ā a beloved daughter of God.
This week make it a point to treat yourself with the same grace and compassion you extend to others. Think ādone is better than perfectā¦ā
- Set Realistic Goals:Ā Start small. Set 1-2 achievable goals and celebrate when you meet them! Not because they were perfect but because you did them.
- Practice Self-Compassion:Ā Remind yourself daily that itās okay not to be perfect. Look at your mistakes with aĀ growth mindset.
- Seek Support:Ā Talk to someone ā a gospel-centeredĀ cognitive behavioral therapistĀ or a trusted spiritually mature woman.
- Renew Your Mind: Read and study Godās word. Reprogram your mind by replacing lies with Truth!
Iāll leave you with thisā¦
LettingĀ go of perfectionismĀ doesnāt mean letting go of your dreams or not trying your best. It means understanding and accepting your limits, embracing your imperfections, and knowing that you are enough ā just as you are.
You donāt have to carry this burden alone. Reach out, share your struggles, and letās walk this path together!
Embrace imperfection with graceā¦ Because in Christ, you are more than enoughā¦
My prayer for you is that my decades of experience with ā an all-consuming battle with distorted body image ā and self-worth struggles ā and how God has radically worked on my heart will bless and inspire you!
Youāre Invitedā¦
You have an open invitation to binge on all of my posts ā written with Holy Spirit-inspired words and filled with love just for you ā my beautiful friend.
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Thank you for joining me on this journey. You are loved, precious, and wonderfully made.